you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.