you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.