you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
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What personal space?
My dog
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The pen is writier than the sword.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario