You’ll be OK
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
こいつ天才
