You’ll be OK
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick