You’ll be OK
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.