You’ll be OK
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.