Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me :
All Day At Night
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
#catsoftwitter
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.