Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died