You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous