Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

*updates tinder bio*

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Nothing.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes