You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.