me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.