You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
You Might Also Like
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
taking June’s advice to heart
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Good morning.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.