Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*