Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.