Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

cats when you pet them too long:

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

man: wait

time: no

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I’m listening