Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

He is just living hist best little life 😊

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks