“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done![]()
You Might Also Like
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
![]()
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
They did not think through this water fountain
![]()
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?