You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
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Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
just witnessed a drug deal
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Spotted in the wild
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
incredible
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?