You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.