Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her