You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My typo game is string.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.