You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??