You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
For cardio I live beyond my means.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one