Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.