“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.