you’ll never guess who died!! -how my mother starts every phone call
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
We like the way Dwight thinks
