You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.