Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”