Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
You’ll never meet anyone else like me and please stop celebrating, that’s not very nice
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*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
I’ve never been more proud.
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I don’t like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does