“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’m going to need a moment here.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half