Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.