Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chart results are in…

Old old old old old west

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards