You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Best table by far
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I wish this was real life…
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no