Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
R.I.P.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook