Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

dutch so unserious

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

genie: please no
millipede: more legs