Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…