Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny