Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
You Might Also Like
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha