Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.