Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Whoops
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me too
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.