Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.