Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

me

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

That took me a moment.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.