Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
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Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
reduce, reuse, recycle
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
spot the difference
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*