Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.