Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Icarus loved hot wings.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.