Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.