young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Hotels are back
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.