Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

i spent way too long on this

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is