young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
pizza
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Important reminders
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.