young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sign at work today
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I love wikipedia
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
This probably isn’t good
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends