Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.