Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.