Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.