Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

October already? What’s next? November????

i feel so bad i refunded him

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve