Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
🤣😂
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…