Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”