Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Sounds like a real hoot.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]