Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

“What movie?” 🤔

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.