Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Time for evil

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

#Thanos #MondayMood

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.