Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
A family that plays together cheats.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
that wasn’t the question
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.