Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
This is why I hate group projects
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds