*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“OMGJK” -atheists
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?