Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

my mind

You just read my mind

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol