Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography