Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

my retirement plan is braless

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.