[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.