Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.