young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
What personal space?
My dog
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
*looks at you in batman voice*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
