young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Don’t tell me what to do
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
See..?
.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t