young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Best table by far
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My inexpensive home security system…
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
