*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
middle school in the ’90s
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.