*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.