*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing