Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Imma just leave this here…………
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven