Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree