Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn