Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.