Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo