Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me in tagged photos
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?