Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
finally
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?